The Inbetweeners

So what does one say about a very brief yet very life changing 4 months spent living in another state?? Should I think about the potential waste of time it was, the lack of opportunities that I had or even the Asian dry cleaning man that I accused of stealing my pants? I could go on and on and bitch and moan about how Sydney has panned out for me. But you know what, what was once seen by me as an enormous waste of 4 months has turned out to be anything but.

Let’s reflect on some of the good times I’ve had and indeed the top 10 Reasons Why I Will Miss Sydney……

10) The Woodsman’s Hall

The only place in Chatswood where one can roll up into a ball and cry on a Friday afternoon (sorry James) or merely pretend that they’re 15 again by drinking out of a wine bottle around a picnic bench until the wee hours of the morning!! Some might say sad……I say……..well yeah I guess it is kinda sad but that said fuck you cause you’ve never experienced the wonder that is the Woodsmans Hall…..which funnily enough is the perfect park for pedo’s to hang out

9) Having a Servo 200m from my house

Although it may sound like a very simple thing to miss – having a servo around the corner from your house is very underrated!! When important things like bog roll or magnum ego’s are needed at the last minute – visiting my favourite indian shop keeper at odd hours has become a past time that I will miss all too much!!

Sydney Film Festival

I must admit the Melbourne one does shit on it – however the people involved where brilliant. From the nutbags to the genuinely great people that two weeks was great. I got to see films, speak to old ladies about grapes, stalk Emma Lung around Myer, meet Matthew Newton so I could finally confirm my suspicions that he was an enormous cock, tell a room full of strangers my story about dolphin rape (and in return become notorious for it) and finally end my run there with a stint at Karaoke……what we were thinking kids, what were we thinking??

7) Trivia Nights

From comedy trivia with dynamite schnitzel at the chelsea to the slightly more intellectual trivia and dynamite chips and aoli at the longy……ok so maybe not so much the trivia, more the schnitzel and chips!!

6) Happy & Lucy

These two dogs showed me that if left long enough, poo does indeed grow hair, in fact so much hair that when poked with a stick, the hair growth resembles a small beard that you might find on a pre pubescent terroist!! That said the cuddly due will be sorely missed, as will their bearded poo.

5) Late Night viewing with Charles

If it’s rubbish and it’s been on late at night then there is a damn good chance that Charlie and I have watched it!! From our late night Dead Snow experience to our SBS Italian watching (with a real Italian to confirm that it made no sense!!), late night viewing with Charles has become a past time that will be sorely missed. I mean who else is gonna listen to me rant at late night television?? Hannah?? I think not!

4) Pointless Bitching with Tyls

Once again a past time that will be sorely missed!! It started in our podcasts and spilled out over into our every day lives. The nights spent sipping vodka and laughing at the ridiculous situations we get ourselves in whilst sitting on our dog hair infested couch was just the ducks nuts!! From the hot personal trainer with the dent in her leg, to our next door neighbours children abducting happy, to the guy at Tyls work who merely yells “I DUN KNOW, I FROM CHINA” when asked a question……the list could go on…

3) Borders Folk
Jesus Christ this one could go on for quite a while. It’s not often that you work at a job for only a few months and end up clicking with the guys you work with. I have loved every minute of hanging out with these people and am gonna miss them dearly!! Here are some highlights of my short but grand time there!! Rachel bestowing the nickname Pepie on me because apparently I’m “full of pep.” James’ constant rants about a certain individual and of course the classic James sign off line….”Do you guys mind I have one more??” Doing announcements….in particular my last day 10min sign off – I should honestly be selling rugs! Bill’s hilarious radio banter! And the list could go on, but all you really need to know is these guys are rad and I’ll miss them muchly!

2) Mad-a-lai & Elijah

My dynamic duo. Literally my two best Sydney friends who bizarrely enough are actually from Melbourne!! These two kids kept me entertained to no end and put up with me dragging them to a trashy retro bar, running away on them after being groomed by a man in a batman suit and other hilarious shenanigans. They are truly two of the most remarkable people that I’ve had the pleasure of coming across and once again will be summed up in a few reflections. Maddy and I ending up at a strangers house playing pictionary abd drinking tequilla, Elijah and I hanging out with a bunch of Jamaican guys that looked like they had just wandered off the set of Cool Runnings and finally the infamous date rape night where they thought I had been abducted by a man in a batman costume!! I’m gonna miss you guys muchly!!

1) Tyldo & Charles

And then there were two. What can I say about my two partners in crime?? These two have gone from being friends that I barely saw in Melbourne to two of my favourite people in the world after a few short months. We’ve had our ups and our downs, our arguments and out running out of bog roll but when push comes to shove we have gotten along like a house on fire. Matylda and I are bitter, twisted but lovable individuals and poor Charlie has had to sit and listen to our bitching and whining for 4 months! I love these two very much and I dare say I’ll be back to visit them sooner then they think……

Well that’s it from me guys – sorry this blog hasnt been a more regular occurance but hey these things happen when you’re graced with quality shenanigans to partake in! As for me, I’m heading home to go back to drama school!! Fingers crossed you’ll be hearing from me in the not too distant future!!

Until then.

Peace out kids.

Nick

So it’s almost been three months and I’ve been about as lively on this blog as my grandparents in the sack.

But I have good reason – and to anyone reading this (which again I’m guessing is my mum and dad in which case apologies for the grandparents in the sack remark!!)  In the last few weeks I’ve been lucky enough to have visits from my three favourite peoples (shivus regal, nathanial and hanski!) and I’ve been working a SHITLOAD!

Bakers in the morning and moonlighting at Borders at night – oh the difficult life of me!  But with business comes stories so be prepared for a cracking read (or if not go and buy Shantaram which is ACTUALLY a cracking read!)  Anyway let’s start at the beginning and by beginning I mean when poor Shivie was down.

The lovely lass that is Siobhan (and for your information our Victorian Youth Governor) was very patient with me while I hit work up for some much needed hours and in turn some much needed cash.  All the while entertaining herself at home with the dogs that she was apparently allergic too…..and also sleeping……lots and lots of sleeping shivus!  We also recorded a hilarious podcast whilst intoxicated in which Siobhan outlined her professional opinion on the differing sexual energy that exists in both Melbourne and Sydney…..truly one to watch out for when I eventually get time to put it up!

Then it was Hanski’s turn for a visit!  The week was filled with more work and some Art Gallery visits where once again I showed my inability to comprehend art.  The stand out moment was me awkwardly trying to avoid the photo of the naked African man standing on a pile of tires – come on Nick, you’ve watched OZ, you should be accustomed to strange male nudity by now!  Another highlight of the lovely lady’s stay was our trip to the all you can eat vego restaurant Govinda’s.  Now if you are a Sydney-ite, I suggest hitting it up – great food AND you can watch a movie afterwards in their rad cinema!!  However me being me I ate way too much and ended up having to sit down on the way to the car in case vomiting ensued!  Arn’t I just the coolest kid??

The third and final visit was the big man, Nathanial Rogers came up for what was always going to be a drunken week of hijinx, movies and the occasional episode of scrubs/entourage/oz and the list goes on.  Again if I had to pick a highlight it would either be the absolute demorilising the two of us gave Transformers 2, and in turn Michael Bay, or giggling at all the 14 year olds being denied entry from Bruno OR perhaps my favourite was the drunken shenanigans that were had with Elijah, Mad, Nath and I at Sydneys premier trashbag venue – Club Retro!!  After the rather steep 20 dollar entry, the night went from bad, to worse, to amazing!  Afer spending most of our night in the “90’s room” Eljah and I befriended some Jamaican fello’s and ended up in a very intense conversation.  It all ended in smiles and photos though which I’ll post up when my intenet stops being shite!  This was followed up by a drunken taxi ride home and Nath pushed me down the hill in a coles trolley (which was returned at a later date!)

And so now here I am, still auditionless, still acting-job-less but not quite so bitter anyway.  I’ve had a killer time up here and have truly met some bizarre but entertaining individuals.   And I promise I’ll try to keep this up a bit more often – as to all those kids enquiring about Tomorrow When The War Began, gonna be a tough gig and I salute whoever gets that role as every man and his (or her) dog I think are auditioning!!!

Oooooooooohhhhhhhh and I forgot to mention the homeless guy that told us he was  donkey and a descendant of Mary Queen of Scots and who also kept looking at Nathans penis…….

Anyway that be all from me kids!

Stay happy and i’ll shoot that podcast up as quick as I can!!

peace

Well what can I say – this coming Friday will officially mark my two months in Sydney.

As I sit watching the third series of OZ – I’m thinking of the highlights that litter the 2 very eventful months that I have been speanding in this wee little village the locals call Sydney.  Here is what I’ve come up with -

* Living in the Marco Polo with three people and a wee little dog for a week until a house was found.  The motel itself was being run by an old lady who wore the same pink traksuit/bumbag combo EVERY DAY.  We came to the conclusion that her constant offering of Anzac Biscuits meant that she was clearly a severly unhinged mass murderer waiting to pounce.

* My Call Centre job – everything between the racist 86 yr old who wore weetbix boxes on her feet, the man who supported the illuminati and the eventual cull of third world children and finally, my otherly enthusiastic boss whose enormous twitch seemed to be the result of years of uncontrollable seisures!!

*Matyldas several run ins with the “underbelly syndrome.”  My favourite being the old russian man who all but said he had whacked off over her scene in the cult show!  Oh the general public – ain’t they grand

*Matyldas car constantly breaking down in the most unfortunate places.

*The asian dry cleaner that stole our dish washing powder………we’ll get you back you bastard, just you wait!!

*My hilarious range of characters from the film festival:

- The Tasmanian lady who promised to cure smoking with merely a bunch of Thompsons seedless grapes

- V-Jay the indian sex pot who had all the volunteer ladies in a stir – even managed to wear a different suit to every single volunteer shift!

- Bernie (although I think I called him Mervyn) the heavy handed old timer from the state theatre

* Siobhans trip down which came and went all too quickly.  Apart from the promise of topless barmaids, Siobhan managed to participate in one of the funnier podcasts recorded by Matylda and I.  The very same podcast will be up and running sometime tomorrow afternoon so stay tuned for that one!

*Matylda’s work companion who, whenever asked a question about something by a customer, responds with “WHY DO I KNOW? I FROM CHINA”

*Our new friend from next door who Matylda befriended in the wee hours of yesterday morning.  His name is Luke and he offered to sell us weed at the bright hour of 8am.  Then went on to tell us his car doesn’t work anymore cause he “phrased it.”  We have since decided there might come a time when I wake up to a sleeping Luke on my floor – poor kid doesn’t know his ass from his elbow so theres a fair chance finding his house when it is 2 doors down from ours might be harder than it looks.

* Matylda and Hannahs pen pal letter writing – so far once a week or so the postman is greeting with an envelope covered in hand drawn boobs and bums – very mature ladies.

and finally – my accidental pant piss when I ran into Emma Lung at a Bondi Junction Myer just days after I spoke to her at the pre drinks for the film festival opening night.  Only a true man would run into someone they’ve spoken to before and then run scared as quickly as possible!!!

Well that’s it from me ladies and gents – Matylda and I are tensely waiting news of auditions for the up coming Tomorrow When The War Began films which are shooting in Sydney over the next few years!

Check back tomorrow afternoon for our special podcasting event featuring one Siobhan Shaw!!

night night kiddies

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and to be honest it’s cause I’ve actually been filling up my days doing things – like actual real things.  For starters I’ve been volunteering at the film festival which has been a bit of a blast.  Apart from getting to see some pretty damn good movies and hanging out with some cool people – it has also given me the opportunity to have my presence graced by some of the worlds largest nutbags.

On my first shift I had the pleasure of being bailed up for an hour by an 86 year old Tasmanian lady who decided to give me a lecture on why I should leave aboriginals be.  Now let’s be honest – I wasn’t really aware I was hassling them in the first place???  My 86 yr old spinster friend then went on to tell me she saved an aboriginal man’s life once by helping him quit smoking.

Now we’ve all seen the ad’s, we’ve all heard of the 50 billion ways of quitting smoking, however my little friend claimed to have the key to putting an end to smoking forever.  I’m gonna share this with you guys but I want you to use this information wisely…….she told me that to quit smoking, you need to eat an entire bunch of Thompson’s seedless grapes.  Not just any sort of grape – they had to be Thompson’s and they had to be seedless!  Simple as that.  And my dear lord she was not just gonna stop and rest on her laurels!  My crusading old lady explained to me her business plan on how she was going to pitch it to the Nicorette people so she could try and get them to exchange the patches for a bunch of grapes.  Oh the elderly!!

My other favourite person so far has been an elderly usher at the state theatre named Mervyn.  Now unfortunately for Mervyn he was born with a stick protruding just out of his anus.  Whilst scanning tickets the other night, “Merv” was on the look out for any under 18′ers that were trying to bypass his age sensor and get into the movie.  A movie which I might add, that was a romantic comedy where the most offensive thing in it was the shouting of the word penis on occasion.  He even refused a poor girl entry for not having ID and then proceeded to tell me that if that girl had’ve been caught inside the theatre, the state theatre of Sydney would’ve lost their license.

Now my question to Mervyn is this – why the fuck would the Sydney police force be wasting their time, patrolling a film at the sydney film festival on the off chance that someone aged 17 might actually bypass the high tech security at the front doors to get into the film.   What a wanker!

Anyway enough about the film festival and onto the main event, the cover story, the whole reason that this blog may have caught your attention – Hairlip Steve.  Now hairlip steve is the unfortunate nickname that I have given to a girl I have been working with at one of my jobs.  Now unfortunately for hairlip steve, she is a perfectly lovely young lady – very sweet and innocent.  Unfortunately for me I struggle with the idea of hairlips – for me it is like looking at someone with a mank hand – no matter how hard you try, you feel awkward glancing at it and although you try your little heart out you just can’t stop looking at it.

So I have spent the weekend feeling horrible that all I did during my shift was look at hairlip steves hairlip.  And every time I caught a glance I would start speaking gibberish – the power of the hairlip.  It keeps me awake sometime at night……

To finish things off before I finally hit the hay here are some dot point developments that have occured in Sydney life:

* I’ve been going to a gym where I keep seeing this old man who spends half an hour lifting the one bar with no weights on it whilst wearing a flanno/cardigan old man combo!

* I still can’t stop laughing at balls head station

* Apparently Sydney is inundated with topless bars……..I am yet to discover this

* Chatswood (the shopping centre where I have just currently been employed) has apparently the biggest concentration of Asians in Australia (or one of)

* Siobhan is down and last night we managed to stay up till 4am drinking booze and watching the InBetweeners (if anyone hasn’t watched it yet get on it!)

* I may (or may not) have left the stove on the other day causing Matylda to suffer some minor burn injuries……….

Anyway I am now off to bed as I have a battle of the public ticket holders again tomorrow at the filum festival!!

Until next time (which will be sooner than last time)

Peace

So what can I say – I am sitting home on a Sunday night watching a strangely tense Americas Biggest Loser.

It’s really amazing that a show about horrendously fat people can be so suspenseful to watch. I’ve spent the last two weeks watching these people run on tread mills, run around with balloons attached to them and even be tempted with a good ol fashioned US of fat A barbecue and I’ll be honest – I’m freakin hooked.

Usually I’m one to giggle at fatties and even throw them the occasional guilty look when they buy triple scoop ice creams – however there is something sort of sad and depressing about watching these people. I’ve even found myself egging them on every now and then! Not to say that I haven’t giggled when the occasional one face plants on a treadmill or stacks it on a run up a hill – however I must say I tip my hat to their commitment to losing that weight the bastards so shamelessly piled on.

Apart from that the last few days have been a bit boring and made me realise how much I miss my life in Melbourne. For starters I decided to join a gym and even let Matylda talk me into going to a class or two! Now you would think a class named express abs may sound a little bit worth while – oh how wrong you are my friend. I have spent the last week with bruised ribs because a young blonde girl, who looked like if she wanted to she could kick herself in the back of the head due to her unnatural flexibility, insisted on 30 minutes of constant sit ups, ankle taps and some ridiculous thing she dubbed “the sausage hold.”

Apparently this girl never went to high school as im pretty sure the term “sausage hold” was a term coined in year eight or nine to add a hilarious term for the act of masturbation. Nevertheless this “sausage hold” ended up causing a week of pain whereas the former sausage hold im told is supposed to bring a week of pleasure (depending on ones stamina – see premature ejaculation ad with guy from country practice.)

Anyway the time be getting late and I must away for a good nights sleep before my gym visit tomorrow – until such time as I return to this blog which I have lovingly coined – The People’s Blog – take care of yourselves and remember to go and buy a big issue off Brian, the bearded gentleman deserves your support to get him to the 2010 Beard and Moustache World Champs!!!

Peace out Kiddles!!!

and this bit too!

A brand new podcast with:

* A review of Masterchef

* The Palestinian stalker responds!

* News from the website of Sir Wank-a-lot

* Why Nick is a cheese-ist

* Nick’s friend, Brian the Big Issue Man

* Latest updates from the beard and moustache world champs in Alaska

That’s right – Australia Post thank you for the cheap printer/printer cartridge combo that you have blessed me with!! No longer will I have to traipse all the way to everywhere internet to print a script/resume/general hilarious fred basset comics that I’ve sourced from the internet! And no longer will I have to put up with the angry asian man who owns the only internet cafe in all of Lane Cove, who insists on charging me 50 cents a black and white page NO LONGER!!!

Anyway it’s been a while since I’ve written so I felt like I should jump on and keep those regulars up to date with the ridiculous life that I’m living up here in Sydney. For starters it is official – Matylda and I have officially cracked the Palenstinian and Egyptian markets with the both of us strangely being inundated with more and more people from that corner of the world enquiring as to whether we would be interested in being facebook friends. At the moment we are dealing with the onslaught of popularity from over there by taking advice from that stupid bogan chick that claimed to have seen that shooting in Melbourne. We’ve had some meetings with her and her PR agent and have decided to join forces. So at the moment as per our last podcast about our mystery wanker friend who is hell bent on raising his imdb status to that of Hugo Weaving, we are throwing our support behind Claire to try and get her on prime time reality television. Unfortunately for Claire the only show that helped promote wankers in this country has unfortunately been axed due to no one really giving a shit about Big Brother.

Moving onto a happier note – Tyls and I went to a killer party the other night which was filled with fun drunken adventures which included, but not limited to: Matylda accusing me of being cheese-ist due to my distaste for cheese and crackers, a man commenting on me looking cold before offering me his cardigan, a girl that looked identical to michelle williams, my obsession with Luke’s tap that has automatic boiling water, Matylda being dragged into the toilet for a joint pee by a very angry & bitter young lady and finally, Matylda and my mission to get a photo with me in front of the Big Issue Billboard (don’t mean to name drop but he is the Big Issue guy out the front of my old work and his name is Brian……my friend Georgia got a kiss from him once…..)

Sydney Film Fest starts next week and excitement plus is on the way – some big movies on here which I might do some reviews on methinks incl 44 Inch Chest, Looking for Eric, $9.99 – not that anyone wants to read my reviews, but stiff shit im writing them anyway. Speaking of reviews Tyldo got free tickets to go and see Terminator Salvation tomorrow night so she can review it for that place that she reviews stuff for!

Anyway im rambling and I have a feeling I can’t hold out from eating that Aeroplane Jelly that we bought the other day! We still waiting for our el cheapo ebay mic to turn up so podcast will be coming your way soon – just might be a rubbish audio one again……..sorry kids!

Until then – peace out!

So it’s been a while since my last entry and some stuff has been a happenin!

Since I last wrote I’ve restarted my love affair with Bakers Delight. It’s weird how the same franchise can be so different in another town!! So two shifts in and I’m back in the swing of things except to be honest I miss all the old Willi staff!! Makes me realise that I stayed there so long cause of the people, not so much the job!

After a few lazy days hanging around the place I caught up with my good mate Luke who has just landed a lengthy stay on good ol Home & Away!! He is about to become the new hunk in summer bay so keep a look out kids for a strapping young man who should be appearing on your screens come September-ish!

As for Tyldo and I we are still fighting the good fight!! Trying to keep ourselves busy whilst waiting for that audition that’s gonna hopefully land us some work. In the meantime though we are working on a sitcom script that we can hopefully try and get up and running when we get back to Melbourne.

ANYWAY we went for a swim the other day to try and waste some time and work on getting the ol fitness back and jesus christ did I forget how hard swimming was!! So decked out in speedo’s (and footy shorts – don’t get excited!!) and bikini’s (tyldo not me) we went for a swim at the Lane Cove aquatic centre. You really start questioning your place in life when you start getting over taken in the fast lane by a woman clearly in her 80’s.

Yay police sirens again – I feel like I’m living in freakin Harlem………except with less African American folk……and more Asians……….ok that’s enough racism.

Last night we headed out and went bar hopping in the rain! I decided to be an un-fun doosh and drove so we had a few brewskeys and headed home (not before buying a Nana’s Apple Pie for late night snacking – OOOOOOOOOOOOO Yeah!)

Today was fun happy times as Tyls and I went for a bit of a tourist run and headed to the Rocks Market, Opera House and Darling Harbour for an afternoon of beers, food and tourism! We had a lovely wander through the markets and decided to take advantage of all the free taste testings (we are after all living it cheaply kids!!) before grabbing a beer from the happily bossomed ladies at the German Restaurant/Bar Löwenbräu!

After being accosted by a homeless man in a public toilet who threatened to sleep in my urine unless I gave him the very specific sum of $1.75, we headed home to look for an auto coin laundry which apparently existed in a street near our house. We turned up to the google praised ‘Auto Coin’ laundry to find that it was some old ladies house in a tiny little street………..what the fuck google? what the fuck??

So once again another few days and another few weird and bizarre experiences. I have also spent the last few days trying to find someone to accept my free twix – how dare the bastards at the servo’s reject my freebie wrapper!! BASTARDS!!

As for tonight – we’re heading out to Lukey’s house warming out near the airport, have no idea how we’re gonna get home but all part of the adventure right……………..right?

oh yeah stay tuned for another podcast tomorrow night – we wrote to the Palestinian stalker and we have a reply………….all coming your way tomorrow night!!

PEACE n SHIT

oh yeah Matylda bought new drawers and check out our photos of Balls Head Station – hilarity at its most juvenile finest!!

Considering that Nick has thus so far stolen all the good material to “blog” about before I could even get a log in for this site, I am damned to make my first blog a bullshit list about the bullshit that is the bullshit that is Sydney.

Here is a list of the 10 Things I Hate about Sydney.

1. Nick smashing our holy and much needed lifeline (see: coffee plunger), first informing me that it had undergone a “minor mishap”…. Upon searching for it the next morning, and being unable to locate said plunger, I was informed that it hadn’t undergone a “minor mishap” but had in fact been ” smashed into a million pieces”. DIE. NICK.

2. The seemingly normal people who smile at you, before informing you quite frankly that you are either a) a SLUT or b) A KNOBHEAD

3. Traffic rules… Simply: Have not yet been invented.

4. Homeless people— they thankyou for not giving them money. I’m simply confused. Please, shake your fists and abuse me, I feel worse when you appreciate my lack of donation.

5. My concession card… marked “male”. Everytime I catch the train and show my concession card, I get accused of being a male, trying to pass as a female.

6. The fact that a suburb called “Balls Head” exists, yet doesn’t seem to be a centre of mocking, ball sack racing, or testicle judging.

7. Nick’s ability to cook fantastic meals, while I give up and have a liquid dinner of a) goon b) goon or c) goon.

8. The unfortunate rate at which our household goes through bog roll. ( see also: ass rag & butt buffer)

9. The hilly streets. No-one should be forced to do excercise against their will.

10. Sydney. Sydney. Sydney.

Sooo, that’s my utterly pitiful attempt at a “blog”. I hate the word “blog” It reminds me of “log”, which in turn remind me of shit.

Which is what Sydney is.

Irony? I think not.

Over and out